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College & OF History: 1975-2000
Into the Third Millennium
Framlingham College...
By John Maulden


OF selected for GB team
UTTERLY talentless OF shooter Sandy Walker has been miraculously selected for the senior Great Britain squad to travel to New Zealand in 2010.

This mundane announcement, which ranks slightly above appealing a parking ticket in terms of achievement, was received to an almost undetectable ripple of polite applause by the OF Rifle Club’s unimpressed members.

Still only 20, Sandy apparently attracted the myopic, astigmatic and bloodshot eye of the selectors by luckily winning the Prince of Wales’ Prize at Bisley’s Imperial Meeting this year beating more than 1,000 shooters from more than 20 countries. Underwhelmed OFRC members shrugged nonchalantly at the news of the youngster they have nicknamed ‘The Gangling Metronome’ and began a sweepstake on the size of the bribe the impoverished music student must have delivered to the selectors.

Club secretary James Mehta said: “The jammy little swine somehow managed to pick up the Price of Wales by fluking 20 consecutive bulls-eyes at 600 yards in dodgy wind conditions and now some buffoon - presumably Mr Magoo - has selected him for the full GB squad. It’s mind-boggling and adds insult to injury. I came 478th! ”.

Walker, who was unavailable for comment yesterday, was reportedly last seen by OFRC colleagues queuing to withdraw his pathetic savings from the Post Office and stuffing it into a brown envelope.

OFRC captain John Halahan, who was a member of a “proper” shooting establishment when he toured the mighty Jersey with an NRA team in the summer, said: “I can’t believe it. I’m proper, me, and I’m 50, I’ve been shooting for ages and ages and all I get to do is go to Jersey. We were lucky we could find the place, it’s so small.”

Walker, who is rumoured to be ugly and feeble-minded, is one of the youngest shooters ever to be selected for the full Great Britain team and is thought to be only the second OF to win a full GB cap, following David Argent in 1994.

He will now have represented GB at all levels, having been an Atheling – the British Cadet team – as well as GB under 25s.

Clubmate Steve Sourgrapes, asked about Walker’s triumph, said: “Oh yeah. I’ve heard of him – isn’t he the really dim bloke with no mates? Is he gay? I heard him sing in the shower once and the tiles broke.”

In a formal statement, an uncharacteristically emotional OFRC Chairman Nigel Burnip said: “Seriously, This is a stunning reward for a young man of precocious talent”.

“His achievement cannot be underestimated and if full-bore rifle shooting was a better-known sport Sandy would be back-page news in every paper in the land".

“While we cannot claim any responsibility for this splendid news, it is the OFRC’s pleasure and privilege that Sandy is one of ours".

“We wish him the very best of luck and promise that we will continue to offer him the same level support we have always given. That promise stands for any other keen young shooter the College produces".

“And finally, I’d just like to add for the record that he is, indeed, a jammy little s***.”